Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
