I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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