i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
