how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This is the high leading the old right now
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
