I faked an abortion last night.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
