I didn't shave. On purpose
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
