I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
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I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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