he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
