thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up under a house in Key West
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
