A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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