Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
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I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
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My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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