sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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