The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
