I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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