just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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