We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
