The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
