If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
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We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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