i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
