On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
