I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
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A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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