forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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