Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
