So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
