she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
