I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
