You just made me feel so damn special
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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