I wish my penis had an off switch
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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