Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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