im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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