you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
