i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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