Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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