dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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