i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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