im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
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