the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
