I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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