All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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