As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
