In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize