Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
