If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
