i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
