fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
