you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Sorry about my life...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
