i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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