turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
