She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
