Sponge bath it is.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
