Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
