I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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