Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
