My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
