You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
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